This is one thing I didn’t need to hear right now.
I had made a friend online , we both wanted someone to chat to – and he knew I was fairly sure I’ve got cancer again. We just chatted about day to day things. I mentioned the first appointment back is in a couple of days and he sprung the G word. It’s gods way, to give me a lump, where I had a lump before which is in the same part of the same boob as my sister who is 8 years older than me.
So having finished a college day where I had a maths teacher laughing at the Student Support email which was just to let him know I would be undergoing major surgery (double masectomy is major sugery) and was going to be needing to miss classes now and then due to appointments or recovery – and spending another day just trying to study when I feel like I might be dying, the cancer may have spread already – and I may not be able to go on tour, go to uni, and just be in pain, messed up and getting bad news. I don’t mind dying. I mind having a menopause when I’m still single and looking to enjoy a sexually active relationship, with love too. I mind losing my body parts, and looking messed up. I mind losing my looks and my hair. I wish I could just die. I can’t believe I have to work tomorrow and support a very grumpy rude lady to watch tv and tut at me.
Well, I was never one to let pride get in the way of being honest.
I thought I was going to be clear of cancer for a bit longer than 2 years.
I haven’t been able to look back on it, or think about it I was so desperate to be ok again.
Found a new lump, in same area as before. Doc has sent a letter to the breast clinic.
And so the shit ball starts rolling on.
I had such a scare from the cancer i started changing my life and started studying and am just about to apply for Uni. I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish the year…and I just let my band know that I may not be able to play banjo and go on the tour.
The only thing, and i mean the ONLY thing that keeps me going at this point is the idea that i might get new boobs at the end, by getting a double mastectomy. But my luck is dry, and the nhs may come up with some shit reasons why they would rather do a small op and leave me with another dent in my boob, this time it might be more noticeable as the one i had left before was only noticable by me.
I feel I must report back to my poohburgers blog…for the sakes of people who come across it and are trying to make decisions or looking at options.
I haven’t told anyone yet. that’s the way i dealt with it last time and it worked for me, so I’m hoping that i can get as far as having new boobs and then i will just turn up one day and go TA DAAAAHHHH look! I’ve got massive tits that defy gravity.
Chia seeds soaking to add to chunkie.
Chunkie = apple grapefruit nana coriander ginger and chia seeds.
Hummus (cheaper than buying)= throw sesame seeds in dry pan for 3 mins till light brown. Throw in mixer with garlic lemon and chickpeas and oil/water.
Bag of mint leaves blended in a small amount of water. pour the green juice into ice trays then always have fresh mint ready to plop in drinks or water or throw in smoothie recipes 🙂
Edinburghs natural Black berries one banana one apple two grapefruits mint leaves soaked chia and pumpkin seeds one lemon kale pak choi and spring onion. After the zinc in kale and vitamin c for eye health as they’ve been stinging and twitchy lately. Could be me not drinking Black tea any more which is as good as it is bad for you. Makes my pee acidic and sting though so got to give it up. Trying to get off caffeine and acidic foods as they create breeding grounds for cancer along with sugar.
I want to quickly update this little blog. Once i’ve explained what happened and how i recovered so far I can start sharing my recipes and healthy life style choices for any others who are interested in finding ways to heal inside and out in order to reduce the risk of recurrance (immune system fail) and metastatic cancer. (cancer cells spreading)
As you will have seen I wanted to avoid crazy radiotherapy and was therefor pressed to try to improve my health and mind as much as I could. Choosing to not take the standard treatment leaves you on your own, with no way of knowing how you are doing with regards to fighting off cancer. However I must point out to those who just read that, that also doing all the things I’ve done leaves you with such a wonderful improvement in life on so many levels – that you can feel inside ‘ in your heart’ that this is what you needed to do.
i’m in this pic, in Ubud in a Hindu evening celebration.
If I was a levitating guru, who only talked of love and had forgiven all those who hurt me, and was doing what I wanted to be doing in life….then actually yeah hypothetically I would have taken the radiotherapy. Although in real life, someone in that state would probably rather go with it and meditate about healing or dealing with mortality.
So months ago I posted pictures with
The blue dye, and the hard lump.
It is 4 months later and I can only say now that the blue dye has faded to nearly nothing now. A couple of weeks ago it was still there a bit and enough to piss me off. Thankgod it’s finally gone.
The lump is nearly gone – only i can feel it by feeling it directly. With regards to someone else feeling my boob – no way would they feel it. With regards to nerves growing back and sensation – erm…maybe about 50% to 75%, I can feel hot and cold very well but if i dig my nail in at certain areas it feels numb. This doesn’t matter – my whole boob has enough sensation to do without a little bit.
As for a dent – there is no dent… I can see a tiny change in the way it is flat there but – again – not enough that i should worry about it. So, the only thing left is
That goddamn awful scar. I wont lie about it i’m very fucked off about that. I asked and was promised i mean, really really promised again and again that it would be in the area that we all agreed on with a big fat marker pen. Of course, when i woke up it was inches away from that mark and also in a different direction – this meaning that i cannot hide the scar and it sits there telling everybody i’ve had breast cancer including myself. When you’ve been through that kind of hell – and you want to look forward…. that is actually a serious problem. I’m very angry with the surgeon. I went back to tell him and he fobbed me off.
Yes. Good point.
I need to come back and blog.
Thank you x I’m going to do it at the weekend then because I KNOW how hard it is to be in that situation. My journey was easy compared to my sister who had a huge masectomy. Still… hardest time of my life.
Without even trying because believe me I default to lazy. ..
without trying that mental hell that was cancer sent me on a journey to self discovery on a level that was so much more positive than any other I’ve ever been on.
I lie here today with knackered arms struggling to type because of the Thai massage course I decided to do when the offer came up.
That’s what happened to me. Out of the one tiny conviction I had amongst that world of confusion. .. Was 1 thing that I was sure of. Despite what the doctors said that this was purely bad luck I know in my heart that there was so much I could atleast try and do.
Refusing radio therapy has been the best thing I’ve ever done. Because it’s scarey. .. and that makes me think well I’ve got no time to waste. .. I can’t risk any more bad food…bad people. …bad atmosphere. ..bad feelings. My family want the fear to go away. Do radiotherapy so that they feel better. They love me I do understand it!
I can’t wait to explain that on my 41st year after going through that cancer and lumpectomy, little by little I improved each thing I was doing.
I would have HATED IT! If you told me you’ll be okay. … Things will get better.
No one had the right to say that to me.
But they didn’t just get better. …
Getting that diagnosis turned into a brilliant kick up the ass. I hate saying that. …I sound like a go getter! I’m not!
I hate go getters!!You are reading the writing of a girl who would ideally love to stay at home all day and do very little except see friends and have a safe lover.
I work hard though. ..I have to with no qualifications. That’s ok I’m just appealing to those of you who have heard it before. I hated cancer and hated having it but I read so much about it and I saw. .. That if you got signs before that your immune system was failing (which requires sound knowledge of any problems you have) and you do nothing to alter your life health wise then not only will it continue to fail it will worsen. Each person gets cancer cells many times in their life but read up on what happens in a healthy body. I got hashimotos thyroiditis 10 yrs ago. That is a huge sign.
So now. … If I’ve still got cancer. ..or if I’m going to get it again I will know that I did everything I could first to mend it from within. But my god I feel so good now. I’ve got to go to sleep.
ill tell you what health angles I took. Ill tell of how shocked I was that Green smoothies taste amazing and change you so much. … my recipes. … books. ..I really do have lots to write about. But it all starts with saying no to bad food
No to bad company
No to people who don’t encourage you to be you for what ever reason.
No more stress. I mean… stress caused by anxiety or pressure. .. guilt. .. etc.
yoga and meditation.
Yes to you.
You are probably going through hell and I want to hear from you.
Cancer is so so scarey. That is like a megatonne of stress that is SO heavy you can’t even feel it. You are it. Xxxxx
Girls. .. and guys. This is not the end.