Well i’m going back to work today. It’s been 3 weeks. The shooting nudging and many other weird pains all stopped about 4 -5 days ago.
I feel I am ready for work – but of course not looking foward to looking after someone else. I’m sooo much better than I was, a lot of worry and stress has gone away and will surely continue to do so. I’m opting out of radio therapy and tamoxifen and going for a raw food diet and if I can find any – I’ll try more racial approaches to healing the body.
My scar is fading well, just a tiny amount of blueness around boob not worth mentioning really. The tissue under the scar feels like solid flesh, really hard square feeling large lump. I’m told this will soften and it would only have to soften a wee bit and Id be happy because it’s not that bad, it doesn’t show much. My boob is ever so slightly misshapen but I think that’s because of the lump. We shall see.
i’m going back to the hospital in a couple of days to talk to radiotherapis so will be reading up on facts before i do. I will probably tell them I’m not doing it but want the genetic test and am still considering full double masectomy.
The docs tried to tell me this wouldn’t stop cancer from appearing elsewhere in my body – only tamoxifen could hope to help that but – that doesn’t mean a double masectomy wouldn’t greatly help my chances of not getting cancer again in my boobs and spreading else where.
I don’t mind being chopped up a bit – I mind toxic poisons and waves destroying my body with chances of nasty complications, hormone blockers bringing on a very early menopause and life changing effects like that.
I don’t need my friends as much – they certainly seem to not be worried now – the worry of it returning or indeed not being completely gone from my body is a very real worry that I am going to have to learn to live with and also try not to let it worry me too much.
My journey now becomes about eating the healthiest diet known to man – that is going to be incredibly hard and rewarding. I’ll have lots of recipies and info about it all too and will follow the changes that happen.
I’ve noticed that the further you come down this lane…the further you feel from your old ‘self’. I try to look back at how I felt before and I can’t remember sometimes. So I thought I’d come here and say hello to myself and potentially goodbye. The news could be that they got it out with ‘clear margins’ which means the outside of the lump they took out has no cancer cells around it. It could be that It is not clear at all and that I therefore am not clear of cancer. Now that then means – that alllll this stuff that I’ve gone through is just the beginning and that I have a lot bigger problems to deal with. Either way, having invasive breast cancer means the cells can travel to somewhere else in the body and that’s what the radiotherapy and hormone blocker is for – to try and stop it from growing some where else.
That is a very scarey prospect and I just wanted to say I’m sitting here, sorting out my blog looking at a sunny day outside wondering about popping down to get some food. Another positive thing from having Cancer the way I’ve had it (everybody is very different) so far is that – I feel that I’ve had too much stress and sadness in my life so – yes I feel it has added to my bodies health. I’ve read that we all get cancer several times but the immune system deals with it successfully. Sress is the number one Immune System Killer. (see links at end).
Anyway…I just hope I can come back to this one day. Just living my little life…having fantastic connections with friends, jamming, music, creativity and my family, and my work. It was good enough and I already knew that. If it’s clear, then I am ready to get back into meditation, yoga and healthy organic foods and consider some of the alternative foods/treatments people in the world have tried for cancer. If it’s not clear then there will be another level of fear on top of what I am used to. I will continue with my health plan but, will have to cope with saying No to the nhs only optons and being left to fend for myself.
here are some links but I have yet to really investigate this thoroughly.
Here I am trying to show the hard lump which lies under the incision line. It’s actually quite large under there, feels about an inch and a half wide and perhaps as deep but may not be that large. I have been sick a lot so feel something is not right but the nurses are happy with it and would not drain it after a week saying it would refill and needed to be bigger?! makes it very painful.
There are posts further down about the kinds of worry and feelings that surround telling people. So I won’t say too much –
Just that I had wanted to spare my family the worry and sadness but I couldn’t really keep it to myself anymore. I’ve been very sick and in a lot of pain, off work.
Do i feel better? no. I can see why I did this. When my sister told me she had it – I am glad she did but it’s really horrible watching someone go through so much crap. She kept us at a distance and I only realise now that she was protecting us from the kinds of feelings I have now. Tension over the results of the post op (where i find out if I’m clear and then how much more trouble is in store) have risen. More people are waiting to find out – not just me. I did say that I didn’t want to be reminded of it too often so that’s a good way to get some control. But of course a few texts and emails have come and it does make me more nervous being reminded of the situation when I might otherwise be actually not thinking too much about it.
I am here on my bed looking out at the castle of Edinburgh in the rain, and feeling rather overwhelmed. As you connect with them – the little flicks of eye expressions, the sounds of pennies dropping, the conversation now being of a more loving tone than usual…you sense them absorbing in the sadness…oooocha!!! gets you right in the ticker. i’ve never been one to shy from emotions and I can say that this is not a negative experience but still a sad one. I wish I could have avoided this. I already knew that my family loved me deeply they’ve made that very clear. This was not one of those moments in the soap opera where the person suddenly realises everybody around them wants to help and loves them loads I totally knew all that already. So just to add if you are thinking about letting close people know then remember to tell them what you would like, and not like to happen i.e who finds out about it and how much help you would like or not etc. I would also advise that you consider how confusing it is for others if you shut them out, and that this can make it seem like they don’t care but actually you have not helped them understand what you are going through. Cancer is a rare emotional journey! nobody has a clue what you are feeling.
One week after the lumpectomy and it’s been good and bad.
nursing a sore boob can get to you and with all the psychological stress on top …it can be hard at times.
Worrying about what’s going on inside…is it ok? causes more stress.
So…it started getting much more sore and taking superstrong dihydrocodiene and paracetamol was not working as well as it was so I was worried. Underneath the incision a hard lump is growing.
So the lovely nurses checked it and said unfortunately this is the way it is. It usually does get more painful, and fluid builds up and they will drain it next week if necessary. I went home and am ready to deal with more pain now that I know nothing awful is going on.
They advise that I may need to take another week off work ( arranged two weeks off ) because of the pain and also the nurse explained this is a lot of psycological …um….what do i say..that mentally this is a lot to handle so she recommended it. Money wise i will survive but it will damage my overdraft problems even more. But…all this time off work is…weird.
The next day I started throwing up for two days and was a complete wreck. Called the nurses they think it’s not linked. Spoke to my BC friend who had similar problems and it was due to it being an infection so no idea what’s going on.
When I came home from the nurses check and immediately wanted to draw on my wall ( i have a lot of blank walls) which is good because i haven’t had the urge to draw for a long time. I drew round some marks on the wall and it looked like a dogs head…from there it just grew and i had a strong feeling about it…because it started off as a doodle the dog ended up having a blue face which is a shame but that’s how it is. If i try to plan a drawing i get too scared and can’t draw.
Cancer finds the bullshit in your life and makes you sort it out.
Cancer also makes you face stuff and makes you SUPER STRONG!
Perhaps in a oner – I should say
It forces you to face your own mortality.
My way of working out my thoughts in a text to a friend went like this.
‘This…diagnosis. It’s a thousand times worse than you can imagine. All my lifey woes have taken a back seat! Never thought that was possible. Having a question mark over your life shakes up every thing you ever thought about the world. Life itself and all the cracks you never saw before now show gaps with no idea what’s behind them. The very fabric of my life (torn already) is now in shreds and it’s like being on a bad trip with no breaks for 2 months. The fear is unbelievable. All my little thoughts I did not know i had kept …don’t stand for shit. Life is not what i thought. I will come out of this a stronger person but fuck me…I wish Jane (sister) had told me. Life has been smashed up. I may look the same but I’m not.’
Now before that scares you – I must say well yes it is petrifying. But – what I can see is going to happen is that when I start coming out of this and feeling a bit better…I will be so strong…because I will have looked at death not in the face but…perhaps from side on. You get my point. So….after this…will I let more shit men waste my time? will I spend so much time fretting about my looks, about men…? WILL I FUCK.
So whether I like it or not…cancer has done me a favour, It has given me a chance at being happy even if not for as long. I would much rather have a happy week than live the rest of my life the way I was feeling. (always winning the battle of depression).
I have GOT to change. I have to eat even more healthily…and I have to let go of my soreness over my dad, and the hurt that my boyfriends have caused me physically and mentally. I have to stop allowing shit people to waste my time. I have to believe that I don’t need a man any more…it’s nice…to have a partner or to have sex but…I can be happy without. And if i go by experience…I am always happier without. It’s time to face facts. If I’m going to get cancer again and if I’m going to die from it…then I’m sure as hell not going to be a victim of awful men who treat women like shit for the rest of it. I want to forgive my father…(still don’t know how). because I WANT to move on. I want to forgive my more recent ex because he didn’t hurt me and he wasn’t mean. All he did was stop communicating with me as soon as I found the lump. He must be a coward and that doesn’t have to hurt. That’s his problem not mine.
Do you see? I’m ranting but do you see what a cancer diagnosis has forced me to do?
Check all the bullshit in my life and sort it fucking out.
Still exhausted from the day at the theatre today 😉 so can’t type much.
Here’s the pics of untouched boob and lumpectomy boob. 2 or 3 lymph nodes removed and the lump removed from one incision. Very sore but on dihydrocodiene so managing. Just cut a sports bra at the front and sewed on straps made of tights to tie together. Very comfortable 🙂
So glad it’s over and so glad I’ve got two weeks off… catch you later peeps