Now my family know. Telling people is emotional.

There are posts further down about the kinds of worry and feelings that surround telling people. So I won’t say too much –

Just that I had wanted to spare my family the worry and sadness but I couldn’t really keep it to myself anymore. I’ve been very sick and in a lot of pain, off work.

 Do i feel better? no. I can see why I did this. When my sister told me she had it – I am glad she did but it’s really horrible watching someone go through so much crap. She kept us at a distance and I only realise now that she was protecting us from the kinds of feelings I have now. Tension over the results of the post op (where i find out if I’m clear and then how much more trouble is in store) have risen. More people are waiting to find out – not just me. I did say that I didn’t want to be reminded of it too often so that’s a good way to get some control. But of course a few texts and emails have come and it does make me more nervous being reminded of the situation when I might otherwise be actually not thinking too much about it.
 I am here on my bed looking out at the castle of Edinburgh in the rain, and feeling rather overwhelmed. As you connect with them – the little flicks of eye expressions, the sounds of pennies dropping, the conversation now being of a more loving tone than usual…you sense them absorbing in the sadness…oooocha!!! gets you right in the ticker. i’ve never been one to shy from emotions and I can say that this is not a negative experience but still a sad one. I wish I could have avoided this. I already knew that my family loved me deeply they’ve made that very clear. This was not one of those moments in the soap opera where the person suddenly realises everybody around them wants to help and loves them loads I totally knew all that already. So just to add if you are thinking about letting close people know then remember to tell them what you would like, and not like to happen i.e who finds out about it and how much help you would like or not etc. I would also advise that you consider how confusing it is for others if you shut them out, and that this can make it seem like they don’t care but actually you have not helped them understand what you are going through. Cancer is a rare emotional journey! nobody has a clue what you are feeling.

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