Cancer finds the bullshit in your life and makes you sort it out.
Cancer also makes you face stuff and makes you SUPER STRONG!
Perhaps in a oner – I should say
It forces you to face your own mortality.
My way of working out my thoughts in a text to a friend went like this.
‘This…diagnosis. It’s a thousand times worse than you can imagine. All my lifey woes have taken a back seat! Never thought that was possible. Having a question mark over your life shakes up every thing you ever thought about the world. Life itself and all the cracks you never saw before now show gaps with no idea what’s behind them. The very fabric of my life (torn already) is now in shreds and it’s like being on a bad trip with no breaks for 2 months. The fear is unbelievable. All my little thoughts I did not know i had kept …don’t stand for shit. Life is not what i thought. I will come out of this a stronger person but fuck me…I wish Jane (sister) had told me. Life has been smashed up. I may look the same but I’m not.’
Now before that scares you – I must say well yes it is petrifying. But – what I can see is going to happen is that when I start coming out of this and feeling a bit better…I will be so strong…because I will have looked at death not in the face but…perhaps from side on. You get my point. So….after this…will I let more shit men waste my time? will I spend so much time fretting about my looks, about men…? WILL I FUCK.
So whether I like it or not…cancer has done me a favour, It has given me a chance at being happy even if not for as long. I would much rather have a happy week than live the rest of my life the way I was feeling. (always winning the battle of depression).
I have GOT to change. I have to eat even more healthily…and I have to let go of my soreness over my dad, and the hurt that my boyfriends have caused me physically and mentally. I have to stop allowing shit people to waste my time. I have to believe that I don’t need a man any more…it’s nice…to have a partner or to have sex but…I can be happy without. And if i go by experience…I am always happier without. It’s time to face facts. If I’m going to get cancer again and if I’m going to die from it…then I’m sure as hell not going to be a victim of awful men who treat women like shit for the rest of it. I want to forgive my father…(still don’t know how). because I WANT to move on. I want to forgive my more recent ex because he didn’t hurt me and he wasn’t mean. All he did was stop communicating with me as soon as I found the lump. He must be a coward and that doesn’t have to hurt. That’s his problem not mine.
Do you see? I’m ranting but do you see what a cancer diagnosis has forced me to do?
Check all the bullshit in my life and sort it fucking out.