What is cancer?
I’m still trying to find out more than just a simple diagram of some irregular circles.
How will it hurt me?
I don’t even know. Alllll this utter pain…. like being dropped into a dungeon of your worst fears but. .. hang on! Tell me why? ! I FEEL great. … In the old days I would be carrying in on like normal. …oblivious. Now I’m carrying a weight that is too hard for anyone to bear. All because of pictures of chemo victims. Not one picture of someone who hasn’t been destroyed from the inside.
And can I be friends with this?
Well I need to understand it fully. I need to know what’s happening. .. In microscopic detail. Why can’t tumours fade by themselves? The doc says they don’t but I don’t believe him.
And. .. If I stop this great fear. … If I take it in and accept it as part of my life. .. That life IS insecure…. That there never was a guarantee and i like most of us…. Didn’t really appreciate how fragile it is. Perhaps. ..I was meant to go out with a fifth twat who didn’t care because I’m still self loathing and still need to stop…. perhaps he dumped me because a week after I had started positive thinking and opening up to the idea that I was lovable AND only wanted to be around others who loved me. Maybe I found the lump 2 days after that because I need it? I’m not saying this isn’t crazy but …there is a possibility that I need this to kick start my opening up to life…. death. … Love and understanding that I am not my personality. .. I am not my ego. …I am a soul. …a core and i don’t need to prove anything. All I have to do is be me… and death comes to us all. Maybe this is my way in. Because I have been finding it impossible to stop hating myself and living in fear. But this could be the start of me. … Letting go of all those things I think i need in life and am afraid of not getting. If I hadn’t got this diagnosis. ..I wouldn’t have started suddenly online dating nor would I have pushed myself to meet someone which I did and it was really nice. I feel that I need to eat organic. .. Drink tonnes. .. but also liberate myself and forgive those people who hurt me. .. and stop living out of fear.
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