Telling people… some experiences.

Ok im going to be matter of fact here.
Ok after you’ve got the diagnosis. .. It will dawn on you that telling people is a huge,huge deal.  But if you are going through shock it is harder to make sense of. You have the option of waiting …I did this and it was sooo hard but the benefits were I had time to start absorbing how I felt before other people effected my feelings.
I told my counsellor as things happened. This was the only way I could manage not telling anyone else.
I found myself out of control and over whelmed at times and I tried to tell strangers and people I hardly knew. This was a mistake and drove in further that people’s reactions made me feel like a total leper and weirdo for trying to tell them. I was beating around the bush and not saying the C word. It Was because of the implications of telling closer people.
The last thing you must seriously consider – what you hold inside you – your level of trust for that person, your projections, issues….really count for something here. If you don’t get the reaction you hoped for – consider what that person may be perceiving from you. It’s not easy to do. I found out most people felt i was ‘dangling’ something infront of them. ‘Witholding’. I tried to explain, I just didn’t want to talk about it but I needed people to know that I was struggling through some kind of illness. After I told my best friend I realised…without the right information, and when feeling like someone doesn’t want to talk about something…the person recieving the news does not know how to react and is possibly scared to upset you and just scared in general.

Ok so. .. The responses can be all or some of these.
1.” Er…”
This causes you to feel upset/hurt/angry etc because they can’t see how much you’ve already gone through. .. Going through and how scared you are.  But… it’s not all bad… If you can be kind and strong. .. tell them a little about what’s in store for you. .. What’s happened and they will start to realise. The ones who then avoid you. ..will shock you and you might feel extremely hurt. I’m sorry this is awful and i don’t have solutions. You will have to move on from them as soon as poss and i crossed them off my imaginary funeral guest list that started forming since the news. Please give each of them time tho… It takes people time for things to sink in.
2) “OH NOOOO!!!” red eyes… dramatic. ..or total empathy …
This can vary. So think about how much you want that person to feel. .. Either tell them what you need/want. ..or consider the option of not telling them.
3) “ok….shit. What do you need from me?”
This is the prefect response.
4)” shit…ill be there for you. (I won’t really).”
This. .. is the one that has caused me a lot of hurt. Written a whole song for it. Beware… This is a rat catcher. If you are ready to filter out total shits from your life. .. Do it. If you trust this person against your better judgment or are in denial and not ready then … Be prepared for total cutting hurt.
Okay so there are more responses but these are the most common. I have to tell you some more things to consider before you decide. You will need to think about news spreading, being treated differently sometimes better sometimes worse by the people who you did not intend on telling. I choose at the moment to have my best friend know. I’ve advised her she can tell her partner because she is going to need someone to talk to about it. I’ve said that’s ok so long as they both promise not to tell anyone. My best friend knew I was ‘ill’ and that I didn’t want to talk about it but that it was stressing me out. I think her and my other closest friend found me mysterious and possibly ‘withholding’ so although I thought they weren’t caring enough they were actually unsure of how to respond and possibly felt left out. My other close friend doesn’t know yet and I’m worried about making her feel left out when she does find out but also telling her. … She is in a fragile state and our friendship has issues too. She may tell others not out of malice but she also needs to talk to someone other than me.
Okay so that’s all the logical practical advice I can attempt to write.
Me? I was anorexic for a long time in the past. It gave me an unhealthy and twisted perspective on keeping secrets and trusting people. My experience was and still is (I don’t know how much that is down to projecting my issues) that people don’t care. .. Won’t notice and will let me down. I became thin as a rake and couldn’t get anyone to show any interest in me so. .. That was a bad tactic. .. That doesn’t work but I still carry some of those ‘beliefs ‘ with me. That said. ..I did. . And do feel stronger for keeping this mostly to myself. It is a humbling experience…I do find myself wishing others would stop moaning at me about little problems because I want to have space in my mind for this. .. and I’m glad I am sparing my sisters from the worry. In glad my mum doesn’t know so she can’t annoy and upset me more than she already does. I’m glad my client doesn’t know because she’s a drama queen anyone and will latch on to this as her problem to the point of me having to leave the team I have no doubt of this. She is already doing this about me having a ‘small underarm surgeory’ as I’ve told her. She is already doing it regarding another girl in my team who’s had a death in the family. It makes my job harder to sit and listen to this moaning and moaning for 15 hours a shift.
Additional Information- I told my sisters tonight and will make a new post about that so that will be further up the blog. You can find it by using the categories list to the right.

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